I keep forgetting that one day I’ll be dead. Not that I want to walk around with this depressing feeling of “I’m gonna die!!” hanging over my head, but in the sense that I have a hard time appreciating the NOW. And sometimes I wish that I would remember that I only have a limited number of NOW’s left. Remembering this makes me more aware of enjoying every damn moment of this life and not postponing things all the tome.
I bet you know the feeling of thinking “When this or that happens, then I’ll be happy” or “I’ll start this on Monday”. Or “Oh I know that we have enough money for a vacation, but we better save just a little bit more in case something happens”. And of course the “What I have/am capable of/have accomplished right now isn’t good enough, I can’t enjoy my life until I’m a CEO and have three kids and lots of spare time, a house, a summer cottage, an Audi etc. etc.”.
This exaggerated and constant preparing and striving for the future is actually one of the major reasons I got hit by stress. I kept focusing on what was out there around the next corner, kept feeling like I couldn’t enjoy what I had because I shouldn’t be resting on the laurels. And you know what? I still feel like this a lot of the time! And it’s driving me crazy. 1/4 of my life is over and I can hardly remember anything from my time at University, simply because I was too busy getting to the next milestone all the time. But I’ll never be 24 on this date at this time, ever again. So I better enjoy it – right now.
Who says that tomorrow is going to be better? Who told you that you’ll have more time on your hands when you’re forty? You want to write a book? Do it! I want to run a half marathon – well then I just gotta do it! I’m sick of postponing living my life because I feel that I can’t be satisfied until this or that is accomplished. This feeling part of the “stress in my bloodstream” which I believe that I have to work at keeping at bay every day for the rest of my life. But I want to experience the NOW, I want to just do it. Not just with exercise but with all aspects of my life. Feel like taking a weekend trip to Rome? Just do it. Feel like screaming at the top of your lungs? Just do it…
I’ve had days and days of not being able to enjoy just sitting in my sofa, reading a book and drinking a cup of tea. Because I wasn’t accomplishing anything. I’ve had years without vacation because I felt like I had to work 52 weeks a year in order to get a proper resume to get a job, to get the house, to become CEO… I’m at a stage now where I have a hard time enjoying my spare time, simply because I’m still not quite sure of what I enjoy doing for myself. I can’t enjoy that I have a beautiful body, because I feel that “when those final 8 pounds come off, then I’ll be happy”. Who says that I need to loose 8 pounds? My husband surely doesn’t, he’s actually kinda sad that my behind is getting smaller as I’ve lost 12 pounds.
I enjoy running, reading books, listening to music, dancing, spending time with my family, working, drawing, reading blogs, taking walks, cooking and baking and so much more. I enjoy travelling, hiking, lying in bed with the papers and a cup of tea. I enjoy reaching goals, but I don’t enjoy the fact that I can’t celebrate my victories. I want to keep reaching for the stars but you know what? Only if I can pad myself on the back when reaching the first clouds, the ozon layer and the moon on my way.
I’m going to die someday and whenever I remember this I fight less with my husband, I take time to give him a proper kiss goodbye whenever we part, I laugh more, I dream more, I do more, I bake more cakes, I enjoy running more, I call my grandparents more…
So help me dear readers (I can see that there’s at least 100 of you out there) – how do I remember this? How to I remember that one day I’m going to die and I don’t know when it’s going to be? So I might as well do what makes me happy TODAY! How do I seize the day? Because it’s now or never.
spot on! What a great post, not because it’s great you feel this way, but because you verbalize a feeling many women have.
I have the same feelings sometimes and what helps for me is to talk to myself and have lots of alone time where I get to wind down and feel the core of me, underneath the restlessness.
What a great post… I completely resonate: “..I want to celebrate those victories”…YES! I don’t even allow myself to fully engage in them to be truthful…constantly worrying about what I “should” be doing (work, freelancing, cleaning, laundry, walking, running errands…etc.).
Ugh – I need a therapist. 😦
Nice post 🙂
Oh I’m so glad that both of you liked it. It’s a really important subject to me.
@bakebooks: You know what an old colleague once said to me? There are three types of tasks: Have to, Want to and Should. The “Have to’s” you’ll complete because you have to. The “Want to’s” you’ll complete because you want to 🙂 The “Should’s”… Well, if they’re important enough, one day they’ll either become “Have to’s” or “Want to’s”. If not – then they weren’t important.
If you run out of clean underwear well then you’ll want to do the laundry. Before that – why bother thinking about it?
And as for the therapist I absolutely believe that everyone should see a therapist at some point in their life. I loved going to mine! Expensive though… But not one bit embarrassing, it’s part of taking care of yourself.
@Anja: I really need to get better at talking to myself. Sometimes I think I refrain from being quiet with myself because I’m afraid of digging really deep. Afraid of finding out that I’m NOT prioritizing in the right way, and by that way spending my life doing the wrong things. I love that you really seem like you are capable of digging deep.